they are free,
not necessarily happy
but at the very least,
free.
and from where i am,
that all seems
very zen/liberating/peacful,
albeit radical,
yknow, how they
are willing to share
all that personal-debris with people.
its all the politically-incorrect,
dignity-diminishing, yet brutally-genuine
feelings that
build up with ________,
and which threaten to sabotage the
facade that you have been taking
cover under.
i never cld fully grasp how people
have that sort of relationships
with people where they feel comfortable
enough to be everything that they are.
not even family - ive always felt
more like a consultant/friend
than a participating
member of the family i.e. a daughter.
so naturally, when it comes to
friends/friends with benefits,
its always a necessary evil.
i think i might have dramatised
the situation a bit,
could be because i feel
a great need
to be expressive and still,
feel the equal
inertia not to do so.
the opportunity cost of
a potential backlash is just
all too inconvenient.
its an unhealthy irony:
its frustrating that i can nv be
fully okay with some of my
decisions to be weird.
its regretful that 2 decades of life
later, what i have is an
inability to fully exploit people
to their full functionality.
i envy people who get to
glorify friends/family/people
like they have this promising power
to share your woes/suffering/pain.
of course
i am largely responsible for whatever
it is that this is.
im just down w the chronic disability to
talk about most things/specifics/in
all gory detail
because it is just too raw and scary -
and why do i need to feed your curiosity
at the expense of my personal comfort??
so maybe the root of this
misunderstanding could be how i come
across as overly vocal.
its the greatest indignant of it all,
how people accuse me of being happy
and shiz.
when i whine excessively/repetitively
about sth trivial, it is not because i
have a low threshold:
whatever i harp on around people
is usually less likely to be a real
problem that affects me and more likely
to be timefillers for awkward moments in life:
so yes the
the ranting, chatty, enthusiastic version of me
is all just a
mechanism that
takes only 0.002s of awkward silence
to kick in.
gee thats a lot of
selfindulgence for a post
11:22 PM
Sunday, February 22, 2009
i have no clout with Godi don't even pray
it must be somewhat rude to
expect anything from Him.
but it really would be nice
if it all could fall into place,
like if i could suddenly up
my religious factor by 392804X,
because
look at them,
they are so happy.
9:46 PM
Saturday, February 21, 2009
im feeding the tumour10:13 PM
Now you know me:
I will have no qualms leaving
you in the lurch.
There're some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while
You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before
10:50 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I PLANNED TO BE COOLERWHEN DOING THIS BUT
IT ALWAYS GETS OUT OF HAND
OK SORRY SHITXXX NEED TO
MEDITATE
8:26 AM
Monday, February 16, 2009
眷恋，在这一村：
因眷恋，走过的人生所以感人
8:59 PM
Sunday, February 15, 2009
we're all falling intoimpossibility
but you have the upper hand.
so once in a while it's
healthier to have the upper hand
for a change.
it's all a very self-centred affair,
the truth of the matter
is that we romanticise things
in retrospect.
just look at us,
we are all the same -
we safeguard whatever gives
us self-gratification even
at the expense of the bigger possibility
of one helluva aftermath.
4:11 PM
Friday, February 13, 2009
is that what we are?a GPA score, a point on the
normal distribution curve,
a number on a statistical report,
a grade,
a resume filled with unabashed
self-praise,
a name on a list of pathetic hopefuls??
ARE WE NOT PIECES OF HUMAN FLESH
WITH EVERY RIGHT TO BE HUMAN, HUMAN??????
IS THIS ALL THAT WE ARE?????
(BECAUSE EVEN WE ARE TREATING
ONE ANOTHER AS IF WE WERE.)
7:27 PM
Sunday, February 08, 2009
yeah i guessthe closer we creep into adulthood
the more life fulfils its duty
of being a big tiring affair.
recently i think i got to
know abit more about myself
so its all a horrible culture shock
hahaha
sometimes its like a stampede
and there's just no room to think.
anyway
since i managed to return
alive (no less) from
the Week of endless Tribulations in Laos
i feel that i can accomplish all things
in life, like Accounting II.
life is slowly reverting
back to normal-
normal being shizzy boonlayness
stroke-inducing deadlines
and irritating bffs:
1:45 PM
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
it was too cold,
too messy, too far,
too short, and just
too difficult,
so what it is, is that
"i'm always ok."
we're really as ok as we
let ourselves be.
sabaidee laos!
6:29 PM
